Home Swap Communication: The Complete Etiquette Guide for Successful Exchanges

That message sat in my inbox for three days before I worked up the courage to open it.

I'd just listed my San Francisco apartment on SwappaHome, and someone from Copenhagen wanted to swap. My first potential exchange partner. My palms were actually sweating—which sounds dramatic, I know, but home swap communication felt like such high stakes. What if I said the wrong thing? What if I came across as too eager? Too aloof? What if my casual tone read as unprofessional?

That was seven years and 40+ swaps ago. Now I can tell you: the way you communicate with your swap partner will make or break your exchange experience. I've had swaps where the communication was so seamless that my partners became genuine friends. I've also had exactly one swap where poor communication nearly ruined a trip to Portugal—a story I'll share later, because it taught me everything about what NOT to do.

Here's what I've learned: home swap communication isn't about being perfect. It's about being clear, respectful, and genuinely interested in creating a good experience for everyone involved. Let me walk you through exactly how to do that—from your very first message to your goodbye note.

Why Home Swap Communication Matters More Than Your Listing Photos

I know what you're thinking. You've spent hours photographing your home from the best angles, written a detailed description, and made sure your profile looks trustworthy. That should be enough, right?

Not quite.

Your listing gets people interested. Your communication gets them to actually commit—and determines whether you'll both have a great experience. Think about it from your swap partner's perspective. They're about to hand over the keys to their home to a stranger. They're trusting you with their space, their belongings, maybe even their plants or pets. The only way they can gauge whether you're trustworthy is through how you communicate.

I've accepted swap requests from people with sparse profiles because their messages were thoughtful and thorough. I've also declined requests from people with gorgeous homes because their communication felt off—too pushy, too vague, or just... strange. Trust your gut on this stuff. It's usually right.

The First Message: How to Reach Out to a Potential Swap Partner

Your first message sets the entire tone. Get it right, and you're already building a foundation of trust. Get it wrong, and you might not even get a response.

What to Include in Your Initial Swap Request

When I reach out to someone on SwappaHome, I always include these elements—but I weave them naturally into a genuine message, not a checklist.

Start with why their home specifically appeals to you. Not "your place looks nice" but something specific: "I noticed your apartment is walking distance to the Marais—I've been dreaming of having morning croissants at that bakery on Rue de Bretagne." This shows you've actually looked at their listing and aren't mass-messaging everyone in Paris.

Introduce yourself briefly. Who are you? Who's traveling with you? Why are you visiting their city? I usually keep this to 2-3 sentences. You don't need your life story—just enough for them to picture you as a real person.

Be specific about dates. "Sometime in spring" is frustrating. "March 15-22" is useful. If you have flexibility, say so: "We're hoping for March 15-22, but we have some flexibility if those dates don't work."

Mention your home. Even if they're not interested in visiting your city, knowing what you're offering builds reciprocity and trust. "We have a two-bedroom apartment in San Francisco's Mission District with a sunny deck—happy to share more details if you're curious."

The Message That Changed How I Write First Requests

Early in my swapping days, I sent a message that I thought was perfectly fine:

"Hi! We'd love to swap with you in July. We're a couple from San Francisco. Let me know if you're interested!"

No response. I tried again with someone else. Same message template. Nothing.

Then I received my first incoming request, and it was like a masterclass in how to do this right:

"Hi Maya! My name is Elena, and I'm a freelance translator based in Barcelona. I stumbled across your listing while searching for a home base to visit my college roommate who just moved to Oakland. Your place looks perfect—I love that you have a dedicated workspace (essential for my translation deadlines!) and that you're near Dolores Park. I'd be traveling solo, just me and my laptop, hoping to stay March 3-10. I'm a quiet guest who treats other people's homes better than my own (ask my mom—she's still confused about this). Would love to know if those dates might work for you, and happy to answer any questions about my place or myself!"

See the difference? She was specific, warm, showed she'd read my listing, and gave me a sense of who she was. I replied within an hour. We had a fantastic swap.

Swap Partner Etiquette: The Unwritten Rules Everyone Should Know

Once you've connected with a potential swap partner, you enter the negotiation and planning phase. This is where swap partner etiquette really matters—and where I see people make the most mistakes.

Response Time Expectations

Here's a truth that took me too long to learn: not everyone checks their swap messages daily. Some people list their homes and then get busy with life. That doesn't mean they're not interested.

My rule: wait 5-7 days before following up. When you do follow up, keep it light: "Hi! Just wanted to bump this in case it got buried—no pressure either way." If you don't hear back after two attempts, move on gracefully. Never send a passive-aggressive third message. Never.

On the flip side, if you're the one receiving messages, try to respond within 48-72 hours, even if it's just to say "Thanks for reaching out! I need a few days to check my calendar." Silence feels like rejection, and it's just not kind.

How to Decline a Swap Request Gracefully

You don't owe anyone a swap. Maybe the dates don't work. Maybe something about the request feels off. Maybe you just don't want visitors that month. All valid.

But how you decline matters for your reputation and the community overall. I keep a template in my notes that I personalize:

"Hi [Name], thanks so much for reaching out! Unfortunately, those dates won't work for us [or: we've decided not to host that month / we've already confirmed another swap]. I hope you find a great swap in San Francisco—it's such a wonderful city to explore. Best of luck with your travels!"

Short, warm, final. No need to over-explain or apologize profusely.

Negotiating Details Without Being Awkward

Once both parties are interested, you'll need to nail down the specifics. This is where clear communication prevents problems later.

Dates and arrival times: Be specific about check-in and check-out times. "We'll arrive around 3 PM on the 15th" is much better than "we'll get there sometime in the afternoon." If you need flexibility, ask for it directly: "Our flight lands at noon, but we know check-in is usually later—would it be possible to drop our bags earlier?"

House rules: Ask about them explicitly. "Are there any house rules we should know about?" opens the door for them to share things they might feel awkward bringing up otherwise. Quiet hours, shoe policies, off-limits areas—better to know now than discover later.

Expectations around cleaning: This is a big one. Some swappers expect you to leave the place spotless. Others are more relaxed. I always ask: "What's your preference for how we leave the apartment? Should we strip the beds, run the dishwasher, take out trash?" Getting this in writing prevents misunderstandings.

Communication During the Swap: How Much Is Too Much?

You've exchanged keys (or lockbox codes), your swap partner is in your home, and you're in theirs. Now what?

The Check-In Message

I always send a message when I arrive at someone's home. Something like: "Made it! Your place is even lovelier than the photos. The instructions were perfect—we found everything easily. Thank you so much!"

This does two things. It confirms you arrived safely (they're probably wondering). And it sets a positive tone. Starting with gratitude and a compliment goes a long way.

When to Reach Out During the Stay

My philosophy: only message during the swap if something requires their input or if you have genuinely good news to share.

Reasons to message:

• You can't figure out how something works (the oven, the heating, the TV remote)
• Something broke or isn't working (be honest and direct—more on this below)
• You want to share a great experience you're having ("Your restaurant recommendation was incredible!")

Reasons NOT to message:

• Minor inconveniences you can handle yourself
• Daily updates on your activities (unless they've asked for them)
• Complaints about things that can't be changed mid-swap

I once had a swap partner message me every single day with detailed updates about their meals, their walks, their thoughts on my neighborhood. It was sweet but also... a lot. I felt obligated to respond each time, which pulled me out of my own vacation. Don't be that person.

The Portugal Situation: A Cautionary Tale

Remember that near-disaster I mentioned? Here's what happened.

I was staying in a gorgeous Lisbon apartment. On day three, I accidentally knocked a ceramic vase off a shelf while reaching for a book. It shattered. Clearly handmade, clearly meaningful.

My instinct was to not say anything, find a replacement, and hope they wouldn't notice. Instead, I messaged immediately: "I'm so sorry—I accidentally broke a ceramic vase on the bookshelf in the living room. It looks handmade and I feel terrible. I'd like to make this right. Can you tell me more about it so I can try to replace it or compensate you appropriately?"

Their response surprised me. The vase was from a local market, cost about €15, and they'd been meaning to replace it anyway. They thanked me for being honest and said most people would have tried to hide it.

The lesson: honesty builds trust. Hiding problems destroys it. And most swap partners are far more understanding than you'd expect—we've all broken things, spilled things, made mistakes. What matters is how you handle it.

Creating a House Manual That Prevents Communication Overload

The best swap communication is often the communication you don't have to have—because you've anticipated questions in advance.

I maintain a detailed house manual for my swap partners. It lives in a Google Doc that I update regularly and share before each swap. Here's what's in it:

The Basics: WiFi password, heating/AC instructions, how to work the coffee maker and stove, where to find extra towels and linens.

The Neighborhood: My favorite coffee shop (Ritual Coffee, two blocks away), the best grocery store (Rainbow Grocery for specialty items, Trader Joe's for basics), the farmers market schedule (Sundays at the Ferry Building), and a few restaurant recommendations at different price points.

Emergency Info: My contact number, a backup contact (my sister), the building manager's number, and what to do if the power goes out (it happens in old SF buildings).

House Quirks: The bathroom door sticks—lift up slightly while turning the handle. The kitchen window needs a firm push to close completely. The third step on the stairs creaks—not broken, just old.

Departure Checklist: Strip the beds, start a load of laundry if you have time, run the dishwasher, take out the trash and recycling, lock all windows, leave keys on the kitchen counter.

This manual saves me from answering the same questions every swap. It also shows my partners that I care about their experience.

How to Handle Difficult Conversations With Your Swap Partner

Not every swap goes perfectly. Sometimes you need to have uncomfortable conversations. Here's how to handle them without damaging the relationship—or your reputation.

When Something Isn't as Described

Maybe the "quiet neighborhood" has construction starting at 7 AM. Maybe the "fully equipped kitchen" is missing basic pots. Maybe the "5-minute walk to the metro" is actually 15.

First, take a breath. Is this a dealbreaker or an inconvenience? Most things are inconveniences.

If you need to address it, be factual rather than accusatory. Instead of "You said the kitchen was fully equipped but there's no cutting board," try "Hey! Quick question—is there a cutting board somewhere I'm not seeing? We wanted to make dinner tonight."

This gives them a chance to help solve the problem without feeling attacked. Maybe the cutting board is in a cabinet you didn't check. Maybe they'll apologize and point you to a nearby store where you can grab one.

When Your Partner Reports a Problem in Your Home

Stay calm. Assume good intent. Thank them for telling you.

I once got a message that my shower was leaking. My first instinct was to be defensive—it was fine when I left! But I took a breath and replied: "Oh no, I'm so sorry! Thank you for letting me know. There's a shut-off valve under the sink if you need to stop the water. I'll contact my building manager and get back to you with next steps."

We got it fixed within a day. The swap continued without issues. If I'd been defensive or dismissive, it could have soured the whole experience.

When You Need to Cancel

Life happens. Emergencies arise. Sometimes you need to cancel a confirmed swap.

Do it as early as possible. The more notice you give, the better chance your partner has to make alternative arrangements.

Be honest but brief about the reason. You don't need to share every detail, but a genuine explanation helps: "A family emergency has come up and we need to cancel our trip. I'm so sorry for the inconvenience."

Offer to help if you can. Maybe you know someone else who'd be interested in swapping. Maybe you can suggest alternative accommodations in your city.

And accept that they might be upset. That's fair. Apologize sincerely, don't make excuses, and give them space to feel disappointed.

Post-Swap Communication: The Part Most People Skip

Writing a Thoughtful Review

Reviews on SwappaHome matter. They build trust in the community and help future swappers make decisions.

Write your review within a week of the swap while details are fresh. Be specific about what made the experience good (or challenging). Mention things that would help future guests: "The neighborhood is quieter than I expected—perfect for families" or "The apartment is on the fourth floor with no elevator—something to consider if you have heavy luggage."

If you had a genuinely bad experience, be honest but fair. Focus on facts rather than emotions. And remember that your review reflects on you too—a bitter, nitpicky review makes you look difficult, even if your complaints were valid.

The Thank You Note

I send a personal thank you message separate from the review. Something like:

"Hi Maria! We're back home now and I just wanted to say thank you again for such a wonderful swap. Your apartment was the perfect home base for exploring Barcelona, and your restaurant recommendations were spot-on (we went to that tapas place three times!). I hope you enjoyed San Francisco as much as we enjoyed your city. Would love to stay in touch—maybe we can swap again sometime!"

This isn't required, but it's a nice way to close the loop. Some of my swap partners have become genuine friends. We follow each other on Instagram, recommend each other to our networks, and have even done repeat swaps.

Building Long-Term Swap Partner Relationships

The best part of home swapping isn't just the free accommodation—it's the community you build over time.

I have a handful of swap partners I've exchanged with multiple times. We know each other's homes, we know each other's neighborhoods, and there's a deep level of trust that makes every swap easier. No lengthy introductions needed. No anxiety about whether they'll treat my place well.

This doesn't happen by accident. It happens through consistent, respectful communication. By being the kind of swap partner you'd want to have. By treating their home like you'd want yours treated.

SwappaHome's credit system makes this even easier—you don't need to coordinate simultaneous swaps. I can host someone from Tokyo in March and use those credits to stay with my favorite swap partner in London in October. The flexibility removes pressure from the relationship.

Home Exchange Messaging Tips: Quick Reference

After 40+ swaps, here are the communication principles I come back to again and again:

Be specific. Vague messages create confusion. Dates, times, expectations—spell them out.

Be prompt. Respond within 48-72 hours, even if it's just to acknowledge you received the message.

Be honest. About your home's quirks, about problems that arise, about your needs and limitations.

Be grateful. Thank them for hosting you, for their recommendations, for their trust.

Be human. You're not negotiating a business deal. You're building a relationship with another traveler who shares your values.

Your First Swap Message: A Template to Steal

I promised actionable advice, so here's a template you can adapt for your first outreach. Don't copy it word-for-word—make it your own.

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Subject: Swap request for [dates] - [Your City] ↔ [Their City]

Hi [Name]!

I came across your listing while planning a trip to [their city], and your [specific detail about their home] immediately caught my eye. [One sentence about why you're visiting their city.]

A bit about us: [Who's traveling, 1-2 sentences about yourselves]. We're hoping to visit [dates], and I'd love to know if those might work for you.

We have a [brief description of your home] in [your city/neighborhood]. [One appealing detail about your place or area]. Happy to share more details or answer any questions!

Thanks for considering—hope to hear from you!

[Your name]

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That's it. Clear, warm, specific, and respectful of their time.

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Seven years ago, I was terrified of that first message from Copenhagen. Now I know that the communication itself is part of the adventure. Every swap starts with two strangers deciding to trust each other. Every message is a small act of faith.

Get the communication right, and you're not just arranging accommodation. You're building connections that span continents, creating a network of homes and friends around the world.

That Copenhagen swap? It was incredible. And it all started with one thoughtful message.

Ready to start your own home swap journey? SwappaHome makes it easy to connect with like-minded travelers worldwide. Your first message is waiting to be written.

Frequently Asked Questions

How quickly should I respond to a home swap message?

Aim to respond within 48-72 hours, even if you're not sure about the swap yet. A quick "Thanks for reaching out—let me check my calendar and get back to you" shows respect for the other person's time and keeps the conversation warm. If you're genuinely interested, responding within 24 hours increases your chances of securing the swap.

What should I do if my swap partner isn't responding?

Wait 5-7 days before sending a polite follow-up message. Keep it light: "Just bumping this in case it got buried—no pressure!" If you don't hear back after two follow-ups spaced a week apart, move on gracefully. Some people list their homes and then get busy with life—it's rarely personal.

How do I tell my swap partner about damage to their home?

Message them immediately with honesty and accountability. Describe what happened factually, express genuine apology, and offer to make it right: "I accidentally broke [item]. I'm so sorry—can you tell me how I can replace it or compensate you?" Most swap partners appreciate honesty far more than discovering hidden damage later.

Is it okay to ask swap partners personal questions?

Yes, within reason. Questions about their travel plans, why they're visiting your city, or who's traveling with them help build trust and ensure compatibility. Avoid overly personal questions about income, relationships, or anything that feels intrusive. Keep the tone friendly and professional—like meeting a friend of a friend.

Should I share my phone number with my swap partner?

Sharing phone numbers before or during a swap is common and often helpful for last-minute coordination. Use SwappaHome's secure messaging for initial conversations, then exchange numbers once you've confirmed the swap. Having a direct contact method is especially useful for arrival day logistics or if issues arise during the stay.